Learning to Love Oneself

i wrote this to a pal

- i think the reason i am anxious is that i fear once one bad thing has happened it will continue forever. for example, lately i've fell out of touch w. u ppl and most ppl, mostly thru my own withdrawal. it would be easy to be bitter and think everyone resents me, but that wouldn't make me happy and it is probably not necessarily  the truth. i need to develop a "this to will pass" looking at the world, and then i will go thru life, whatever happens happens.
i know one "must show himself friendly to have friends" but sometimes i don't feel like bothering and its easier to stay in my own world its safer less painful. i get saddened when this happens thinking i'll be stuck like this forever, but that was probably how i was feeling that day, not necesarily forever. does this make sense?
- do u know that guilt and shame r 2 different things. guilt is being sorry about what u've done (like in scarlet letter), shame is being sorry for who u r which is deeper and more punishing. i think i need to learn to love myself, "one who can not love himself is incapable of loving others, or being loved"
guilt and shame lead to 5 things
1) attacking others (to feel temporary relief, feel like somehow u r better than someone)
2) seeking power and perfection (to cover ur flaws)
3) diverting blame (somehow it's never ur fault)
4) being overly nice/self-sacrificing (if i be nice to ppl they'll like me and i'll feel better)
5) and finally withdrawal
this was in the sermon today and i was like woa i have all those symptoms.
if i could add one more thing it would be apologizing for just about everything "i am sorry for who i am" as if all u have done and all u r is wrong, living in fear that u have done something wrong; Walt Whitman says "i do not trouble my spirit to vindicate itself or be understood. i see that the elementary laws never apologize."  i should follow this advice. what am i ashamed of????!!!?

thanks for listening. i realize this was long. sry about that (there i go again, it's like a reflex)
Bar